crash up derby

i'm overreacting to something that i have no control over. i haven't had too much stress for the last many months. i don't typically do things that will upset me. i take care of the things i own. and today the perfect storm was created to unleash all the above observations.

i went on a terrific solo hike. i returned to the car feeling exhilarated and happy. i began to drive down the gravel road, less washboardy than on the way up. that made me really happy. travelling at 40km/hr or so, coming up on the road was a small rock on the left in my lane and a larger boulder to the right of that. instantly i decided that driving my tire over the smaller rock would cause me problems so i decided to drive the center of the car over the boulder. when it was within meters of my car i asked myself, "what if i can't clear it". the decision had been made though, there was no stopping. i did not clear it. it all happened quickly, but it scraped beneath the car and then it was in the dust. i knew that was not a great decision and i drove into canmore quickly, so i wouldn't at least be stuck on that dusty road if something were wrong. stopped to check it out, i could see some metal protective cover torn and peeled back near the back of the vehicle. no leaking. i drove to calgary. was everything ok, i wasn't sure. so i sit on this long weekend monday night with a damaged car. two opinions suggest that it looks like things are still intact and yes it will need some repairs but likely there is no structural damage and maybe no hurry.

so what am i most upset about. this is keeping me awake, there must be something to it. i am upset at myself for making that decision. something that could have been avoided, very easily, if i drove in the oncoming lane as there was no traffic. i am playing the what if game right now. what if this and what if that. nothing i can control. i can't change anything. all i can change now are my thoughts. well, what else should i think about? good question.

i'm upset that i have wrecked my vehicle. something that is only an object, but something that i try my best to take care of and certainly have never done anything to compromise it like this.

i'm upset because i don't know how much i'll have to pay as i don't know what the damage is. what if it costs me $3000 to fix. then what?! ... this is irrational, i think.

i'm upset that i cling strongly to my belongings. i mean the car is a huge money sink, so maybe i can have some emotion wrapped around this experience, but do i need to cling so strongly to anything?

i'm upset that i have to go to the dealership to get this sorted out. the very thoughts of going there makes me anxious, even with regular maintenance. i feel very vulnerable and like i have to watch all the movements. i don't trust them. i trust they know what they're doing, but i believe they will try and draw as much money out of me as possible.

i'm upset at myself for clinging to this anxiety. i just don't have explicit anxiety like this in my day to day and i like that. this feeling i have now is very familiar to me. i've felt this way many many times before about different things. feeling like this about things i have no control over.

i play the sounds and sensations over and over in my head. i can feel and hear the rock enter beneath the vehicle, i can feel it rub it's way all the way out the back end. i cringe when i remember this experience. it was so rough and square and dusty and it shredded the bottom of my car and i chose to drive over it. what was i thinking?

in the end i get that no one died and hopefully i won't be out thousands of dollars. if someone died or i lost 1000's of dollars, then i think i should be upset... relativity sometime helps me through these emotions.