Twice Attempted. Anapanasati Day 3

I woke up excited to try my hand at the meditation again. I hadn't eaten and barely drank water. I began with a 50 minute goal. Breathing was heavy and laboured. I couldn't focus, I became impatient, I thought about no job. The panic began to rise. Was a hungry? Should I stop? Should I keep going? Why no peacefulness. After 27 minutes I stopped and made breakfast ... doing my best to get rid of the sensations. I can't really describe them. Uncomfortable is the best word.

Hours pass and I begin again. I chose a hard kitchen chair and sat perpendicular to the winter sunshine. I could vaguely see the tree's shadows cascading on my floor. Breathing, continuing to tell myself to focus, continuing to lose focus. Over and over reminding myself. Over and over thinking about the past and the future. Anticipating what will happen at the event tonight. Regain breath thoughtfulness. Reminding that the universe exists in that space of breath. That's the only present there is. Nothing else matters. My breathing was laboured in the beginning, in the middle and at the very end. It felt shallower and calm inbetween these deep moments. 50 minutes of meditation. Seemed kind of boring today, seems like a failure. I feel heavy, like I need a nap.

I could visualize a young girl in white and blue smock-like dress in a tall field of yellow grass. It was a warm fall day. There was a boy lying beside her and they were kissing, he had dark hair, her hair was brown in pigtails. They did not have faces. They enjoyed the peacefulness of the field. It was a safe whimsical view.